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| Yes! An interview with yet another member of the infamous Hate In The Box! Delve into the twisted mind of Optimus Crime, the mad scientist behind the wicked instruments of NYC's candy-coated horror rock ensemble. Scary Jerry talks with him about brainwashing, world domination, and Bernie Mac. How are these things connected? All will be revealed. Read ahead to find out. Also, read the review or visit their headquarters by clicking the banner above. Scary: Thanks for taking the time to do the interview. It's great to get a look inside the mind behind the machines of Hate In The Box. So what would you call yourself anyway... a criminal mastermind or evil genius? Optimus: A criminal genius. A criminal mastermind claims responsibility for the successes of others, only to suffer their consequences. An evil genius is soon defeated by Megaman. Scary: You know, my all time favorite toy maker is the Puppet Master. If you had to take on his puppets, do you have any secret weapons that you would use against them? Optimus: If I told you, they would be better prepared. If I now tell you lies to misinform them, they will know. Still ,I know they are listening, so I say to them: You do not demonstrate the adaptability of the Leprechaun. Scary: I know that Hate In The Box utilizes its own brand of brainwashing to keep the fans coming back. Do you have any plans to use these devices on record execs? Optimus: I'm much more interested in pleasing fans than execs. Fans buy the CDs, shirts, and flamethrowers that fund my Cinnamon Toast Crunch habit, not any label. Scary: Cinnamon Toast Crunch does make it all worthwhile. If I had such power, I would use it to show the execs how much the mainstream sucks and then just let nature take its course. What band or artist do you think would be the first to go if that happened? Optimus: Horrors! That would be such a sudden shock to everyone the world would effectively end. We'd be living in the world of Fallout sniping each other with slingshots and dodging clockwork cardboard cut-outs of mutant scorpions come to life. But we would survive. My brother watches Discovery Channel. Scary: I understand that you've made a couple new additions to the line-up. How's that working out? Has that changed your approach to songwriting? Optimus: Ever since I figured out how to drain the musical knowledge out of one sentient and imbue it in another, line-up changes don't disrupt anything. Songs write themselves. You'll have to ask if they feel any different. Scary: I was checking out the recent changes to the Hate In The Box website. It's looking great. Are all these improvements any indication that your plans for world domination are growing closer to fruition? Optimus: The smart pills I engineered for the TechGnomes has made them like Fraggles on speed. Everything is proceeding ahead of schedule. When the world is under my control, in two weeks time it will suck because I'll have to keep it a secret, lest the assassination attempts begin in earnest. Scary: I've kept my plans very secret, but I will say that I draw a great deal of inspiration from Stewie of the Family Guy series. Who has had the most influence in making you what you are today? Optimus: I have a memory problem so role models are fleeting. Lately I've been thinking about the first generation of combat pilots. If you've ever seen the planes they flew, you just know those guys had the magic combination of skill and psychoses. Most people fear flying. Most people fear taking responsibility. Most people fear the unproven and uncertain. So imagine the kind of person it took to fly, taking responsibility for your own life, miles up in the air in a contraption almost no one before you has used. Then go to war. Knowing that people did that, how can you fear something as trivial as someone not liking your song or how you look on stage? Scary: Kind of makes you wonder who was the first to say "You know, we should take some kind of big, collapsible balloon thingy with us, just in case something goes wrong up there." I have the Thirty Minutes of Hate disc, but thirty minutes just isn't enough to satisfy my Hate cravings. Any plans for a "Home Movie In The Box"? Optimus: Oh yeah! Although combing through the footage we have so far, it's going to be a challenge to not incriminate ourselves while still sharing the entertaining parts. Scary: As you may know, I've been working on some short films. If I made a big budget picture about Hate In The Box, what actor would you pick to portray you? Optimus: Some people say Johnny Depp should do it. But I know that the actor most qualified to play Optimus Crime is undoubtably Bernie Mac. Scary: The title could be Hate In The Box: The Mac Attack. The sequel, of course, would have to be Hate In The Box 2: The Mac Is Back! Though I do like the sound of Hate In The Box 2: The Technicolor Buggaloo. To truly tap into the depths of your mind, I'd like to try a little word association. Just say the first thing that comes to your mind. Scary: Love... Optimus: ...yourself Scary: Out... Optimus: ...with it Scary: Toy... Optimus: ...girl or boy? Scary: Hmmm... just as I suspected... narcissistic, impatient, and confused about your own sexuality. Freud would suggest gardening and keeping a dream journal. Thanks again for your time. I'll let you get back to your experiments. Any words of warning you'd like to leave us with? Optimus: Our new guitarist sexually abuses cats. Scary: Freud would suggest keeping your cat far, far away from this individual! Interview by- Scary Jerry |
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